Monday, February 23, 2015

He's 1!

this sweet little boy turned 1 this month! we had a cowboy themed birthday bash with family and friends to celebrate. that's a pretty good photo of the 4 of us considering we really felt like poop. mila was a day in to her second round of antibiotics for another double ear infection. and we would soon find out that duke had a double ear infection too. then boss got bronchitis. then mama got a sinus infection. we've been through the ringer this season with illness. we leave for the snow in a few days so i'm praying everyone is healthy for the trip. altitude and congestion/hurting ears are not a good combo. 

at 1 year, duke can:

play patty cake
points at everything
wave with both his hands
give loves
roll a ball to you
loves to hide toys and find them
play peek-a-boo
say dadadadada and mamammama
he loves his pacifier and blanky
he weighs 23 pounds and 12 ounces

duke is the biggest sweetheart. he loves to cuddle and laugh, play with his sister, bang on anything that will make a loud noise and be wherever you are. he takes two good naps a day and sleeps all night. and he loves to eat. anything and everything. well, except broccoli and avocado. he's not a fan of those. but put anything else in front of him and he will devour it. and then ask for more. it's kind of like if you give a dukers food, he will want more. and then probably more.

we love you to the moon dukers. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

the great debate

in recent weeks the great debate seems to be to vaccinate or not to vaccinate. well, more like "how can you selfish asses not vaccinate your kids?!" "how can you poison your babies and give them this junk that causes autism?!" that's more along the lines of what i see. and i have largely stayed away. i read the links shared on Facebook. i watch the news. we went to disneyland 2 weeks before this outbreak. TWO WEEKS. we have a 11 month old son at home who cannot be vaccinated for MMR until his first birthday. what if we had gone later? what if we had brought home this deadly illness to our sweet son?

the thought alone kills me inside. i worry about colds. i worry about green noses and ear infections and coughs. i worry about fender benders. cars driving too fast while we walk to the park. i worry about leaving her at preschool; not incredibly worry but a little piece of me has that thought (you know what thought) lingering. i worry about my sweet girls feelings being hurt. i worry about her falling from the play structure. i worry about duke bonking his head while learning to walk. i worry about his little teeth because he has irregular enamel. i worry about my kids getting cavities.

do you see my point? these are the normal worries of a mama and daddy. these are the day to day things that wrack my brain. and these thoughts were here before either of them came out of my belly. we should NOT have to worry about diseases that have once been basically eradicated. pardon my french, but what the fuck are you thinking when you choose not vaccinate your kids? what the fuck are you thinking when you have the thoughts that everyone else is vaccinated so your precious children are protected? what the fuck article did you read that told you autism is linked or directly caused by the MMR vaccine? what the fuck makes you think you are smarter and know more than your pediatrician?

because i bet you don't. and if you don't like or trust your pediatrician, then maybe you should find a new one.

i am pro vaccination. i am pro protecting my babies to the death of me. i will protect them and fight for them and worry for them every second of their lives.

//i am also a believer in everyone doing what is best for their family. i am pro bottle, pro boob. pro preschool, pro homeschool. pro working mom, pro stay at home mom. pro 1 kid, pro 5 kids. but this topic is not something i take lightly and i truly believe that the best thing is to vaccinate your children. the best way to protect them is to vaccinate them//


last night i read a post about what has been learned in 2014. what did i learn? my mind ran. it ran away with this question. in a million directions.

i learned:

1. that babies are made in lots of ways. in 2013 i experienced a loss that i didn't know would rock my world the way it did. we did IVF and i gave birth to a perfect baby boy in February. i learned that it doesn't matter how he got into my belly, he's here. and i'm forever grateful.

2. that loss can happen to anyone. i've been following a beautiful family that lost their 3 year old boy last may. i randomly came across her instagram account the day after the accident. i learned that my heart can and will break for people i don't even know. people whom i will never meet. but i ache for them.

3. that friends will come and friends will go. friends will walk into your life, bring presence to something you didn't know existed, and then just as easily leave. and even as they leave, they can bring awareness. i've actually learned this many times, for many years. and i'm sure it will keep being engrained for years to come. my children will learn this and i know it will be hard. it takes seasons of friendships, good and bad, to learn that the quality of the company you keep is much more important the quantity.

4. that my husband is amazing. seriously. this too, i already knew. but i will forever re-learn that he is my friend and he is here. forever. no matter what life throws at us, we will walk out the other side hand in hand.

5. that home is where you make it. we sold our very first house we made a home in July. it was so so hard for me to walk away. like crocodile tears. big time. i was pregnant with mila when we bought it. we brought both the kids home there. we had lists and lists and more lists of our dreams for the yard, master bathroom, an addition, new fencing. but i came to realize, that home is where your family is. living with my parents for 4 months was home. it is where i grew up. its where duke spent over half the life he's been living. it's where we slept on a mattress in the dining room. where mila potty trained. it was home.

6. that my hopes for closeness between family members is probably a dream i need to give up. i've wished and hoped for it. since before we were married. since before we had babies. since before they had babies. and after each of these milestones…those dreams were dashed away. i kept holding onto it, kept dreaming that maybe after the next thing, it would happen. the closeness would come. the memories would be made. but it didn't. and i truly don't think it ever will. and i have to learn to be ok with it.

7. that some days, a lot of days, i am a sucky mom. i cry. i struggle. we don't make it to the park. i don't hold up on what i said. the day gets away. she cries. i apologize a lot and say i love you profusely.  and then she get's a hot dog at costco and is happy again. (and mom eats a churro) i need them to know that i love them. good thing kids are really forgiving and strong.

8. that this world is harsh. it is beautiful and kind. but it is really ugly, too.

9. i can't wait to work again. i want to find something that's mine. i want to start some kind of business. i've dreamed of doing this for years but never have. i can say i've never had the time but that's an excuse. i can say we've not had the money, but that's a lie too.

there are a million other points i can list but i think these are the more important ones.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

see ya social media

i deleted my instagram account recently. and i'm not really sure how i feel about it. i miss it. my thumb automatically hits the photography icon on my phone and then heads for instagram app. but it's not there. i'll be honest, it happened about 30 times in the first few hours after i deleted it. seriously. that's code for #iamanaddict. ew. i was scrolling through at 3 am after rocking the boy. i was trolling while the kids napped. while i made dinner. in the car at a red light. it shouldn't be that way but i know it is for so many people. like, a lot.

it began to feel like a life competition. everyones pictures needed to be better than the post before. i found myself taking my phone places i wouldn't normally take it all because i thought maybe i'd take an instagram worthy photo. so. dumb. if someone didn't 'like' a picture, was it intentionally a stab? was the 'one-upper' really one-upping? or was she really just so damn sure that her life was perfect? am i the only one who feels this way?

i haven't used Facebook in years. the only reason i have an active account it for the mommy groups of friends i have. and thats the only way they invite to birthdays, playdates and party's. what happened to a phone call? text? email? snail mail? i get that is works for people. i get people love it and thinks it's the easier way to communicate. but what about the people who want to belong to these groups but hate social media? like me? i want to be at your play date! i want to go to your party! i love the friendship we have! but can you call me maybe?

there are for sure things i miss. i may even get it again. who knows. right now i am enjoying not knowing every single thing there is to know about everyone. because let's be honest; do we really care that you're at the park? or that you have a coffee? i'm going to guess not. and i totally think people don't care about our park adventures either. :)

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

she's 3!

every time i write a milestone blog, usually about a new age, i scream HOW? how is this possible? how is she 3 already?! well, whether i like it or not, she is. and to be totally honest, i like it. i like how 3 feels. i like how 3 looks on her. she's perfect. she says the darndest things. she has a new haircut. she's grown so tall. she loves her brother. she throws fits. she growls when she's pissed. (it's kinda funny but i try real hard not to laugh).

at 3, mila:

can count to 13
can write the letter M…and try's to write the rest of her name
knows her shapes and colors
enjoys doing flash cards
loves to paint and do anything artistic
loves to explore outside
is an outstanding dancer
is potty trained!
loves her friends and to go to school
is the biggest helper; especially in the kitchen
has a very kind, sensitive heart
can scooter like crazy
is afraid of masks and spooky things
but loves the fastest rides
loves her daddy with all her heart
her "song" is all about the bass. yes, we let her listen to a song that says bitches. and is about an ass.

we went to disneyland to celebrate our little girls birthday. the faster the ride the better! it brought us immense joy to hear her squeal with delight and burst with laughter as the rides whipped around, up and down. on the way home she said "mom, i had the best time. thank you dad!" ugh. my heart officially melted one more time. like it does on the daily. she's the best.

oh, and she now calls us mom & dad. i beg her to call me mama and she adamantly says "no mom". 3 going on 13…..

Sunday, November 30, 2014

off the radar

we moved!!! yessssss. we moved into our stunningly beautiful new home a week ago and it has been heaven. well, kind of. it's been great. it's been busy. it's been sleepless. it's been happy. the kids have transitioned great. we've gotten a lot done in the short 7 days we've been here and i am feeling a little bit better about it all the time.

i skipped any fall decor and went straight for the christmas decor. we got our little happy tree the day after thanksgiving. it's small and beautiful. m helped decorate it and her eyes were filled with glee as she placed each ornament and then stood back to admire what she had done. every morning she is just as surprised as she was before that it's still there! elvira the elf has arrived but i don't do all the crazy. she finds her spot and rests there until christmas eve.

this little fancy nancy is going to be 3 years old in 2 weeks! i have no idea how that happened but, she is amazing. so funny. so sweet. we are going to Disneyland in 3 days to celebrate. just her, mama and daddy. SO looking forward to showering her with love and attention. she is going to have a blast. her gig and pop took her to the Frozen sing-a-long at the Performing Arts Center tonight. i can't wait for her to be home so i can hear all about it! 

Monday, November 10, 2014

11 days!

11 days until we close escrow on the new pad! this has been a long time coming. i mean really, a really long time. 7 months to be exact. we've been so lucky to have a cozy place to stay for the last 4 months-we forever are in debt to my parents. i am sure my dad cannot wait to lay on the couch and watch jeopardy uninterrupted but i am also sure he will miss sharing the breakfast bar with mila every single morning. i bet my mom is looking forward to no longer having toys strewn everywhere, in every room but i am also pretty certain she will miss dukes snuggles and milas hugs. as much as i didn't think it true, i will miss being here too.

duke is 9 months old. what?! i say this in every monthly update but how is this possible? he is walking behind his little walker toys, has 3 teeth- 2 on the bottom and 1 on the top, he loves to eat and wants what everyone else is having-not baby food, he is such a snuggle bug and i loooove it!

mila is almost 3 and the biggest joy to our hearts. we are taking her to disneyland in 3 weeks. it's going to be a blast! duke will be staying home with my parents so we can fully enjoy every joyful second with her. she can count to 13, recite her abc's, knows all her colors and many shapes, loves to do flashcards, color and paint, requests to watch Doc McStuffins and Sofia the First A LOT and has a mile long list for Santa. but don't tell her she has to sit on his lap because that is not going to happen. she is requesting daddy's lap and handing him the list instead of telling the big guy what she'd like.

i had someone tell me the other day that she read my blog, like months and months back (scary), and loved how real i was. how honest my words were. that was a compliment to me and made my heart happy. i try to be as real as possible. in my words here, my photos on instagram and the links i share on my fb feed. which is all i do on fb. life is messy. life is happy. life is so many things but one thing it is definitely not? perfect. i browse instagram a lot and i come across all kinds of lives. i don't think of them as a 'feed'. to many people, they are lives. pictures of the daily. in and out. up and down. some are the most artistic photos. some are the nitty gritty-tears, poop, hardship, laughs. mine is all of those. i don't ever want to portray that the daily is perfect-without flaw, without tears and poop and laughter and love. my daily is a mix of it all and i hope that if you take away anything from my words here or photos there, it's that this life i have is real.